Why We Seek Approval And Attention
The cycle of shame, validation, and approval-seeking isn’t just a character flaw; it’s a survival mechanism built from a shaky emotional foundation. Most of us didn’t sign up for this, and it started long before we had the language to articulate our needs or the strength to resist the patterns handed down by overwhelmed or emotionally absent parents. It’s not about blaming them. It’s about recognizing the baggage you’ve been dragging around so you can unpack it and leave it behind.
Emotional Neglect: The Invisible Wound
Think of emotional neglect as the first domino in a chain reaction. It’s not always loud or obvious. Sometimes, it looks like a parent working endless hours, struggling with their own unresolved issues, or just being clueless about the emotional world of a child.
What happens when your needs go unnoticed? You learn early on that being seen or heard is a luxury you’re not entitled to. Validation becomes foreign, and instead of being told, “You matter because you exist” or “I see you. You matter,” you’re left with silence.
From there, two survival strategies often emerge:
Invisibility Mode – You shrink yourself, stay out of the way, and try to avoid the pain of rejection.
Validation Junkie – You chase approval like it’s a drug, trying to fill the void left by neglect.
The Invisible Child: A Lesson in Silence
If you chose invisibility, you grew up mastering the art of hiding. If you were the kid who suppressed everything, you likely learned that expressing your needs led to rejection or punishment. So, you made yourself small. You didn’t demand or complain and probably escaped into your own world.
The problem is, growing up like that makes it damn hard to step into adulthood, where you need to assert yourself. You start feeling guilty or terrified when you put yourself out there. Whether it’s asking for a raise or setting boundaries, it feels like you’re climbing Everest. The fear of rejection is so deep that even small acts of self-expression feel dangerous. Worse, you carry guilt for even having needs, as if your existence itself is an inconvenience.
The Approval Seeker: A Desperate Pursuit
If invisibility wasn’t your path, you might’ve chosen the other extreme, seeking attention wherever you could get it. For kids, connection is survival. If your emotional needs weren’t met, you learned to get attention in any way possible: acting out, overachieving, or molding yourself to fit someone else’s ideal.
You internalized it as shame if you were judged for seeking that attention. “Why am I like this? Why can’t I just stop?” “I’m not good enough.” “I’m unlovable.” This shame doesn’t just sit there being calm. It fuels the cycle of unstable and obsessive energy. You found yourself chasing validation, desperately hoping it would provide an escape from the pain you carried. But, when that validation came, it was hollow, offering only temporary relief. Just as quickly as it arrived, the void returned deeper and darker than before, leaving you trapped once again in a cycle of despair.
How Parents Accidentally Tighten the Noose
Some parents consciously or not make this worse. They buy into societal Bullshit about “keeping up appearances,” and suddenly, your life is dictated by their need to look good. Wear this, act like that, and don’t embarrass me. Or maybe they only gave you validation when you performed with the best grades, were the top athlete, or had the prettiest smile. You learned that your worth was tied to what you did, not who you are.
Even worse, some parents bring their own narcissism into the mix, turning their kids into trophies or dolls to show off. If you followed their script perfectly, you might have gotten love or at least something that looked like it. But if you stepped out of line? If you struggled, stumbled, or didn’t fit the mold they had in their head? The disguise came off, and you were ignored, criticized, or punished.
You learned that love wasn’t a given; it was conditional. You had to earn it by playing the part they assigned you. When you failed to meet their impossible standards, the message was clear: “You’re not enough.” That message wasn’t a one-time occurrence in the heat of the moment; it sank into your core, reshaping how you saw yourself.
“Toxic shame is the belief that one is inherently bad, defective, different, or unlovable. Toxic shame is not just a belief that one does bad things, it is a deeply held core belief that one is bad. Survival”
― Robert A. Glover
Breaking the Chains: From Coping to Healing
The cycle doesn’t end until you decide it does. But breaking free isn’t about blaming your parents or shaming yourself for falling into these traps. It’s about doing the hard work and taking real action to fix the problems.
For the Invisible Child: Practice being seen. Speak up, even when your voice shakes. Declare your needs, even if it feels selfish. Embrace the tension with being disagreeable. The discomfort of asserting yourself is the only path to learning that rejection doesn’t define you.
For the Approval Seeker: Start validating yourself. Celebrate your wins without waiting for applause. Recognize your worth without tying it to external achievements. Approval from others is a nice bonus, but it cannot be the foundation of your self-worth.
You Are More Than the Patterns You Inherited
Healing is messy and uncomfortable. You will struggle, and there will be days when the old patterns will feel easier. But every time you push through, you reclaim a piece of the power you gave away as a kid. The goal isn’t to be perfect; it’s to be free.
You’re not here to live in someone else’s shadow or chase their idea of who you should be. You’re here to create your own life unapologetically. Own that truth. Step out of the trap and start writing a new story.