The Courage to Change

I once had a conversation with a father who shared with me his love for his son. He stood tall, towering over his child, yet he admitted to resorting to physical punishment when his son disobeyed or broke the rules. He justified his actions by claiming it was the mark of a strong man disciplining his child, convinced that one day his son would thank him for the “whooping.” He cited his upbringing as validation, asserting he turned out just fine. However, as he opened up further, it became evident that his adult life was marked by many struggles: insecurities, shame, self-doubt, a distorted self-image, financial woes, an unsatisfying marriage, and a constant battle with losing weight.

Here was a man who had endured the very discipline he now inflicted upon his own flesh and blood. Blinded by the belief that such punishment was justified, he failed to recognize its harmful effects on his life. This vicious cycle is ignorantly passed down from generation to generation. It is fueled by the emotional blindness of our caregivers who fail to acknowledge the negative impact of their actions. The hypocrisy of caregivers who justify their actions as just discipline prevents them from seeing the long-lasting emotional trauma that their children will suffer. The result is a generation of emotionally damaged individuals who repeat the same cycle of harm to their children unknowingly.

As children, many of us went through experiences where we believed that we deserved the punishments that were dished out against us. We internalized the idea that we were nothing but a burden, an inconvenience, or even a disruption to our parents, who were already preoccupied with the chaos and disorder in their own lives. This kind of message is unhealthy and toxic, as it teaches us to feel shame and guilt for simply existing and being ourselves. Unfortunately, these feelings can persist throughout our lives, making it difficult to address the root causes of the common issues that plague men in particular. Whether it’s struggling with mental health, addiction, or relationship problems, these issues are rooted in our adverse childhood experiences of shame, guilt, manipulation, and violence.

But it doesn’t have to be this way.

Children don’t get traumatized because they are hurt. They get traumatized because they’re alone with the hurt. – Dr. Gabor Mate

It’s important to recognize that breaking free from a destructive cycle is never easy. Acknowledging the truth takes strength and courage, especially involving physical discipline disguised as tough love. The scars left behind, both physical and emotional, can have a lasting impact on our well-being. While bruises may heal over time, emotional wounds can fester and shape our identities in ways we may not even realize. It’s crucial to approach these situations with empathy and understanding and to seek help and support when needed.

Instead of perpetuating outdated notions of strength through physical dominance, we must redefine what it means to be a strong man. True strength lies not in the ability to inflict pain but in the capacity to show compassion, empathy, and understanding to those who look up to us. It requires courage to break the cycle, confront the ghosts of our past, and chart a new course for ourselves and future generations.

It starts with questioning the beliefs and values instilled in us by those who came before. It requires us to challenge the notion that love is synonymous with control and that respect is earned through fear. It demands that we prioritize healing over continuing the pain, both for ourselves and for those we are responsible for.

We owe it to ourselves and our children to break free from the chains of generational trauma and to create a legacy defined not by the scars we inflict but by the love and strength we cultivate.