Lowering Our Standards

How Different Degrees of Childhood Punishment Shape Our Lives

There’s a common theme among some who say, “I was spanked and turned out fine,” as if that somehow invalidates the numerous ways in which childhood punishment can impact a person. But by digging deeper into this issue, we can better understand how different types and intensities of punishment affect children differently.

To start, let’s differentiate between varying levels of physical punishment and the long-term effects they can have. Spanking, in isolation, might seem relatively harmless to those who have experienced it, but the reality is that the effects are far more damaging than we realize. Those who were occasionally spanked or threatened may indeed have turned out “fine” on the surface, but there are often deep-seated issues lurking beneath the surface.

Children who have experienced a spanking once in a while or the occasional threat develop into individuals who are more compliant and people-pleasing. They’ve learned to avoid conflict and maintain harmony, often at the expense of their own needs and desires. This compliance creates a psychological impact that manifests as an avoidant or ambivalent attachment style in relationships, where they struggle to assert themselves or trust others fully. Their self-worth is frequently tied to others’ approval, leading to difficulties establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries.

This statement highlights the impact of various societal factors that continue to produce issues for many people. These challenges include high divorce rates, working a dead-end job, rising rates of obesity, and the tendency to address minor mental health issues through the use of prescription drugs.

Contrast this with children who grew up in environments with regular physical punishment. These children were not only spanked but also experienced frequent assaults or threats, which creates a very different kind of trauma. This continuous exposure to violence and fear results in what is known as disorganized attachment. They grow up with an unstable sense of self and an unpredictable relationship with their parents. This leads to a host of serious long-term issues, including criminal behavior, substance abuse, and severe mental health problems.

In the most extreme cases, where physical punishment was not just frequent but brutally severe, the damage is compounded. These individuals may face a lifetime of suffering marked by cycles of violence, chronic health issues, and significant struggles with addiction and mental illness. The constant violence, state of fear, and instability they endured during their childhood create a heightened and chronic stress response. This deep-rooted trauma disrupts their ability to function without the ability to interact with others without resorting to violent behavior. As a result, they lack moral accountability in their daily lives.

The takeaway here is that the severity and frequency of childhood punishment directly correlate with the extent of emotional and psychological damage. Occasional spankings might create “well-behaved” children, but they become people-pleasers with avoidant tendencies and diminished emotional intelligence. Severe and regular violence leads to far heavier consequences. The most violent offenders in prison were victims of physical discipline and punishment as a child. It’s crucial to understand these distinctions when addressing the impact of punishment on development. By recognizing the differences, we can better support those who need help overcoming these traumas and work towards healthier, more constructive parenting practices.

“Parents can raise children who are responsible, self-disciplined, and cooperative without relying on the weapon of fear; they can learn how to influence children to behave out of genuine consideration for the needs of parents rather than out of fear of punishment or withdrawal of privileges.”
― Thomas Gordon

The journey to healing and breaking this cycle involves more than just acknowledging past trauma; it requires a commitment to building a home where children feel safe and valued. Moving beyond punitive measures to a peaceful parenting approach will help parents in their recovery to honestly address issues in their lives that seem unexplainable and also contribute to a healthier society by raising children who do not have to spend their lives trying to heal from an abusive childhood.

While many claim they turned out “fine” despite spankings and physical punishment, it’s essential to understand the potential impacts of our actions. We know we can’t hit people, but yet something inside of us still makes us justify hurting the most vulnerable people in our homes. My hope is that if you read this post, you will consider finding more effective and peaceful ways to raise your children.