Anger: A Natural Response, Yet Often Suppressed
Picture a child facing lies, abuse, or neglect in their home.
As a result of experiencing pain and mistreatment, it is natural for anger to build up in a child. However, what happens next is crucial and often overlooked in a child’s emotional development. Instead of receiving validation or support, the child is usually dismissed or even punished for expressing anger. They are told not to be angry, as if anger itself is the problem. This is where children learn to suppress their emotions, as having an angry child who cries or yells is often seen as irritating. They are taught to push down their anger deep inside and bury it to protect themselves from further harm. This is a survival tactic that children learn, but it can come with severe consequences later in life.
Over time, suppressing anger can become a habit. What was once a way to protect ourselves becomes something we learn to hide. As children, we may learn to hide our anger because we fear rejection. If we express our anger, our parents may punish us or make our lives miserable. Eventually, we learn to keep our emotions to ourselves and disconnect from our true feelings. We start seeing anger as a dangerous emotion and become more vulnerable to mistreatment by others. Bullies and abusers can sense our fear of anger, and they can take advantage of us. This can happen both in childhood and adulthood, making us easy targets for those looking for someone to exploit.
Growing up in a dysfunctional home distorts our perception of anger and other emotions.
Unhealthy anger is a reaction that is triggered by unresolved wounds from the past. This kind of anger can manifest as rage, which is disproportionate to the situation at hand. It leads to destructive behavior and even negative health consequences. For instance, consider a child who was forced to conceal their emotions at the expense of their own well-being. This kind of manipulation instills a fear of expressing emotions, not just the “bad” ones. Sometimes, people seem to have everything under control, but in reality, they fear being judged by others. As a result, the person experiences outbursts, directs their anger toward themselves, or reacts inappropriately when under pressure.
Healthy anger is an important tool for teaching children to protect themselves against anyone trying to violate them. It is necessary when our boundaries are threatened, serving as a powerful emotion to keep us safe. Healthy anger arises as a response to boundary violations, serving as a defense mechanism signaling the need to protect one’s integrity. The focus should be on recognizing and expressing this anger in the moment without letting it escalate into something more harmful. As adults, we come up with logical explanations to keep this anger hidden because our perception is based on the child who has been trained that their emotions are troubling for others.
Repression is the process of dissociating emotions from conscious awareness. It may offer a brief pause from pain but with a high cost. Buried emotions inevitably resurface, wreaking havoc on our lives. If we suppress our anger for an extended period, it can lead to physical pain and mental health issues, adding to the stress we experience. It is essential to acknowledge, feel, and ultimately release these repressed emotions to find relief.
“You cannot repress anger or love, or avoid feeling them, and you should not try.”
―Robert Greene
Understanding our own anger comes from acknowledging our children’s emotions. Allowing them to set healthy boundaries gives us insight into the past traumas we have avoided. While the past cannot be changed, the present and future lie within our control. Healing involves awareness, embracing our truth, owning our emotions, and understanding our past.
We must identify and address these underlying issues to raise healthy children, breaking free from toxic patterns and encouraging emotional growth. Understanding how anger works helps everyone in the family live more authentically.